Maps & Distances

if i could sing this out loud, i'd scream this out loud

2009-04-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

I actually am back in the single's section, scopin out the field. I broke up with said boy about two weeks ago, it was amicable. Right now is just not the right time for me to be in a relationship, especially when I'm up to my neck right now with school work, attempting to find a new/better job, and want to spend time with my friends/family.

I had a dream last night about the previous previous boy. I dreamed things were alright between us, and he went back to being the person he was before we had even begun dating. I dreamed that he still treated me the same, and it felt...it was weird. Because I haven't seen or talked to him in months/ages, and I think it's going to stay that way. I didn't even realize the dream was about him until I was heading up North for class. It's just odd because I hadn't thought about him in so long, to just have a dream about him...unsettling.

On another note, found out I have a midterm next week in Philosophy. The one class I have no real idea what is going on. I actually don't konw what is going on in Math either which is awesome because I don't know how to do my homework, or how I'm going to BS my way through the quiz on Monday. Bio is moderatly easy and I am not concerned about it, and Poetry is a little more difficult than I had originally imagined it to be.

I got a writing gig for a paper! First deadline is May 13, and issue comes out May 20th. (Which is 10 days before my birthday, how very exciting!) Been twittering a lotttt, follow me on there to get numerous texts from me daily!

closing down the pattern department

2009-03-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

It's been one of those months where so many things happen at once, but at the same time its the same pace as before. I guess the boy I had written about previously, we are together. As in officially, aha! To be honest I hadnt' expected to be in a relationship again, well not now. But I'm glad that things are going this way because its so different. I don't see him as often, maybe once or twice a week, and we don't talk every day. It makes the time we do spend together, that much more worth it, and enjoyable, that much more special.

I'm so tired, I've been working out a lot, and working. School starts again next wed and I'm excited to go back (20 credits for spring!). I should be done by the end of Fall quarter, assuming I do 20 credits summer, and 20 credits fall (which I know I can do). I need to start filling out my paperwork/transfer applications for school. They're printed, and sitting on my floor waiting for me to pick them up and fill them out.

Peace and goood gravey.

now even if i had the nerve to find you, i wouldn't know what to say

2009-03-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

I slept 10 hours last night, been sleeping so much lately. My day consists of work, and then sleep. I started working out again, trying to get into better shape, cut out sweets, etc. Things have been good on my end, lots of things looking up, good opportunities. I'm happy. I donno theres a boy, trying not to get too worked up over him though aha! He's a great guy, cant wait to go out with him again. But on another note, Im just having a good time.

nevershoutnever

2009-03-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

add my twitterr i dig it http://twitter.com/wenniekhong anywhom been on a job search, gonna start my old job back up monday. someone hire meeeeee

and they all carry on

2009-02-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

After almost six weeks of being on the go, I'll finally be heading back home tommorow. I'm excited for the next part, I'm excited to go back to school, start working again. To make something of myself.

you've got me beggin you for mercy, why wont you release me

2009-02-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder about everything that's happened to me, will it ultimately make me stronger? Weaker? More conscious of what's going on? More aware of how precious life is? Or more aware of how short life is? Before the summer, I'd always lived I wouldn't say sheltered, but I would never push myself to extremes. I would always make sure I didn't overdo things, never smoke too much, never drink too much, never do too much to upset the people around me, upset the people who cared about me. However there were times when I did go over the limits, albeit it wasn't often, but there were still instances, moments. I tried so hard to live in the moment, to just go with it, but I never was able to because of all the things I had going on.

While I was in the hospital, all I could think about was how life was too short. I'd spent so much time working, concentrating on school, trying to make something of myself. And you know honestly I knew it would be good, I knew I was benefiting myself for later, but when I sat in that hospital bed all I could think about was how I wanted to do so many things, and how I didn't do them because there was always a later, or when I have more time. I told myself that if I got out of the hospital, if I got better, I wouldn't live with that mentality anymore. I would really live in the moment, seize every opportunity; and just live.

As you know, I did get better. I had been misdiagnosed. This was the second chance I had been waiting for. I left the hospital with the mentality of being someone else, someone different, someone better. Initially I had decided not to go back to school, to figure some things out first. However after much deliberation I came to the conclusion that if I didn't go to school, I'd essentially be wasting time. While still in the hospital I signed up for a full load, I knew I could do it. Once I left the hospital, I did outpatient physical therapy, I pushed myself, but not as hard as when I was still in the hospital.

Eventually I got past it, my life was beginning to go back to normal, and I was doing the things I used to do. I started working again, going to school, picking back up old and bad habits. Habits I had thought I'd gotten rid of. They sprouted back up, and I welcomed them back into my life with open arms. Except things were different now, because instead of limiting myself, I let myself go. I let myself go farther than usual. And you know to be frank, I still let myself go. I still let myself go farther than usual. And let me tell you something, I'm glad I did. I like letting myself go, I like in a sense just being free and doing whatever the hell I want.

Sometimes I feel like I've got this insane amount of pressure on me to be someone. To be this girl that's changed completely because of the circumstances that I've dealt with. I feel as if I'm inadvertently letting people down, by not being the girl they want me to be or the girl they think I should be. Some people seem to think that they know me, or have this notion of who I am, or who I should be. None of those ideas or 'notions' is correct. I am myself, and I am loving every single moment of my life; and living it with no regrets.

Since I've been gone, away from Seattle, I've just I don't know grown so comfortable in my new surroundings. I haven't felt homesick, or anything. I like being away, I like being gone, and I feel like I'm on this self adventure, a new place, a new area, new people. Since I've been in Michigan, and now London I've enjoyed it. It's made me just want to keep being on the move, I've got this itch to just get up and go away.

I guess the thing is I don't want people who stood by me during that hard time, to think that now that I've been given a second chance I'm throwing it away. I don't want people to think they wasted prayers on me. But I can't live my life for other people, and you know I don't intend to. I'm given one real shot at life, and I'm not going to waste it. I'm going to make it the best possible life I can. A lot of people have come and gone from my life, especially during the whole summer thing. There have been certain people who have stood by me throughout my entire life, not just in that one isolated moment, and it's hard to accept that people who came back into my life, left just as easily, but its true and its life. And although it does bug me a little bit, there's nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is embrace the people in my life, and show them all the love I've got. Those people know who they are. And you know I’ve met some great new people, some who have no idea of the things that went on, and that’s great because I don’t want people to know about any of it. I don’t wish anyone go through what I did, but if I honestly had to do it again I would. Every blood test, every MRI, every day of struggle. It taught me a lot about myself, and the people in my life. And for that I’m so grateful.

All these changes, all these things that have shaped me, shaped who I am today....I wouldn't trade them. These experiences, these feelings. I can't explain a lot of the things that have been going on, and that's okay. I can't explain what I've been feeling, and that's okay. I feel good knowing that this is the life I'm leading. All the choices I've been making, the people who have affected me, I can't let people's ideas get to me, they're notions get to me because ultimately it can't really affect me.

If you read through this entire jumbled mess of a ramble, I owe you a soda. I'm still working through all of this, and figuring it out on my own. I guess this was just one of those, I need to get shit out of my head kinda deals.

and thats what you get when you let your heart win

2009-01-29T13:37:00.000-08:00

I'm in London at the moment, and it is exactly seven thirty pm or so.

this is an image of the invisible

2009-01-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

growin' up.

id do to you like youd do to me

2009-01-19T20:51:00.000-08:00

handcuffs - brand new

that your legs will somehow find the strength

2009-01-18T17:51:00.000-08:00

I'm currently at the Denver International Airport, awaiting my flight to Detroit. In about ten days, I will be on my way to London. I've never been one to enjoy being on my own, especially during travel, but I've found that it's not so bad. It's not so bad to carry your own bags, and to walk by yourself in a new place. It's full of excitment, newness. I can't believe that five months ago, I had just been released from the hospital. If that has taught me anything, it's to do whatever you can, and to do whatever you want, dont' wait for an opportunity. Make the opportunity. More to come soon.